Thank you for calling our 24-hour customer service. Where everything we do is about you.

Sorry, all of our agents are currently busy trying to save sinners. please remember that your call is very important to us. Please wait.

If you want service in English, press 1. In French, press 2. In any other language, press and hold 9 and call God in that language.

If you want to talk to

God press 3

Jesus press 4

The Holy Ghost, press 5.

Moses, press 6

Angel Gabriel, press 10

Angel Miguel, press 15

If you want to locate someone in heaven, press 7 and then enter your name and security number.
(Note: If it fails, hang up and dial the 666 area code.) Before you flag it, keep in mind that all conversations between you and the recipient will be kept private only if they don’t threaten other realms.

For information on how to be saved, simply press 8 and say John 3:16

For information on nagging questions like the age of the earth; dinosaurs; where Moses died;
please wait until it arrives at least.

Thank you for listening to the following announcement.

Please wait until the next available agent.

(Christian music continues to play in the background)