We may have an uneasy feeling in our guts that doesn’t match the manipulator’s words, or we may feel trapped into agreeing to a request. Most people react in ways that increase the abuse or play into the hands of the abuser and feel small and guilty, but withdraw and allow unacceptable behavior. If you had a manipulative father, it might be more difficult to recognize him in a partner, because he is family.
The ancient wisdom to “know your enemy” is essential when dealing with a manipulator. Being able to detect these hidden arrows allows you to strategically respond to covert manipulation. Understanding what they are doing empowers you.
When people behave passive-aggressively, what appears passive or defensive is covert aggression. It is debatable to what extent his behavior is conscious or unconscious.
The victim doesn’t care. The effect is the same. Being too empathetic puts you in danger of being mistreated over and over again. When someone overtly or covertly attacks you, they are being aggressive. Psychologist George Simon argues that these covert manipulators intentionally say and do things to get what they want: power and control.
For people with logic disorders, such as sociopaths and narcissists and some people with borderline personality disorder, he argues that their tactics are not unconscious in the way defense mechanisms normally work. However, his behavior is so habitual that over time he becomes reflexive. They don’t think about it, but they are still aware of it.
Objectives of a manipulator
The goal of all manipulation is to gain influence to meet our needs, but common manipulators do it for power and control and use deceitful and abusive methods. Manipulators maintain dominance through ongoing and recurring emotional manipulation, abuse, and coercive control. They are often passive-aggressive. They may lie or act like someone who cares about you, or be hurt or surprised by your complaints, all to deflect any criticism and continue behaving in an unacceptable way. By maintaining control to do what they want, manipulators aim to:
1. To avoid being confronted.
2. To put you on the defensive
3. To make you doubt yourself and your perceptions
4. To hide your aggressive intent
5.To avoid liability
6. To not have to change
Over time, you become a victim and may lose confidence in yourself and your feelings and perceptions. Gaslighting is a treacherous and disabling form of manipulation.
Covert manipulation tactics
Manipulation can include overt aggression, such as criticism, narcissistic abuse, and subtle forms of emotional abuse. Manipulators’ favorite covert weapons are: blame, complain, compare, lie, deny, feign ignorance or innocence (e.g. “Who am I!?”), blame, bribe, undermine, mind games, assumptions, ” foot in the door.” , investments, emotional blackmail, evasiveness, forgetfulness, inattention, false concern, sympathy, apologies, flattery, and gifts and favors. See How to detect handling.
Typical tactics are outlined below:
Lying
Habitual Lies Sometimes you lie when you don’t have to. They are not lying because they are afraid and guilty, but to confuse you and do what they want. Some simultaneously put you on the defensive with charges and other manipulative tactics. The lie can also be indirect through vagueness and/or the omission of material information, even if everything else that is said is true. For example, a cheater might say that he was working late or at the gym, but not admit to an adulterous date.
Denial
This is not unconscious denial, like not realizing that you are being abused, have an addiction, or are avoiding facing difficult truths. This is a conscious denial to deny knowledge of promises, agreements, and behavior. Denial also includes minimization and rationalization or excuses. The manipulator acts like you’re making a big deal out of nothing or rationalizes and excuses his actions to make you doubt yourself or even gain your sympathy.
Avoidance
Manipulators want to avoid being confronted and take responsibility at all costs. They may avoid conversations about their behavior simply by refusing to discuss it. This could be combined with an attack, such as “You’re always scolding me”, putting you on the defensive with guilt, guilt, or shame.
Avoidance can be subtle and unnoticeable when a manipulator changes the subject. It can be camouflaged with boasts, compliments, or comments you want to hear, like “You know how much I care about you.” You may forget why you were upset in the first place.
Another evasion tactic is the evasion that blurs the facts, confuses you and sows doubts. I once dated a man who said we were incompatible because I was too precise and he was the “overlook” type of person. Precisely! He felt uncomfortable when I asked questions or noticed inconsistencies in his half-truths. It became clear that he was a clever manipulative liar. It’s easy to give someone the benefit of the doubt and say no when you’re hopeful about a relationship. When in doubt, trust them!
Guilt, blame and shame
These tactics include projection, a defense in which the manipulator accuses others of their own behavior. Manipulators believe that “the best defense is a good offense.” By shifting the blame, the aggravated person is now defensive. The manipulator remains innocent and free to continue, while his victims now feel guilt and shame.
Abusers often blame their victims or someone else. Beware of an apology that is actually another manipulation. Addicts often blame other people, their demanding boss, or their “bitchy” spouse for their addiction. A defenseless criminal defendant will attack the police or their methods of collecting evidence. Rapists used to be able to attack the reputation of their victims.
I counseled a couple in a domestic violence case, where the violent husband blamed his wife for his violence. I said, “I’m surprised your wife has so much power over you.” He was dumbfounded, as her entire agenda was to gain power over her.
Guilt and shame shift the focus to you, weakening you while the abuser feels superior. Martyrs use guilt when they say or imply, “After all I’ve done for you…”, sometimes combined with criticism that you are selfish or ungrateful.
Shame goes beyond guilt to make you feel inadequate. It demeans you as a person, your traits or role, not just your actions. “Children would be well behaved if they had a father who knew how to raise (or who made a decent living).” Comparing is a subtle but powerful form of shaming. It is harmful when parents compare siblings to each other or to playmates. Some spouses compare their partner to their ex to gain an advantage by making their partner feel inferior.
Guilt and shame can include “blaming the victim.” For example, find evidence on her partner’s phone that he or she is flirting. Your partner is indignant because you spoke on the phone. Now he or she has switched focus to you. By blaming you, your partner has avoided a confrontation about flirting and may also lie about it, minimize it, or avoid it altogether. You, the true victim, feel guilty for snooping, undermining any justified anger, and thus may allow the flirtation to continue unaddressed.
Intimidation
Bullying is not always direct threats, but it can be subtle. It can be achieved with a look or tone and statements like: “I always get my way”; “No one is irreplaceable.” “The grass is not greener”; “I have methods and friends in high places”; “You’re not so young anymore”; or “Have you considered the repercussions of that decision?” Another strategy is to tell a story to provoke fear, such as “she left her husband and lost her children, her house, everything.” “I fight to win. I almost killed a guy once.”
play the victim
This is different from blaming the victim. Instead of blaming you, this “woe is me” tactic arouses your guilt and sympathy to do his bidding. “I don’t know what I’ll do if you don’t help me.” The messier personalities often threaten suicide if you leave. It can also take the form of “You don’t care about me”; “Why do you treat me like that?” or “No one helps me.” Their compliance breeds resentment, damages the relationship, and encourages ongoing manipulation. Guilt for someone else’s behavior or situation is irrational guilt.
conclusion
These tactics are destructive. You can forgive, but not forget. Driving is likely to continue. Over time, this is traumatic and can seriously damage your self-esteem. Awareness is the first step. You may need help to see things clearly. Write down the conversations and try to identify the abuse and all the tactics used. Even harder is not taking the manipulator’s words personally and learning how to respond.
©Darlene Lancer 2019
