A few days ago, I was watching a TV show (which I don’t remember) and one of the characters said, “When someone says NO and the other person refuses to accept the NO and tries to turn it into a YES, then you are being manipulated.” For some reason those words have been echoing in my mind ever since. And, as I write, I wonder why such an enduring reverberation.
Do they resonate because I remember those moments when I didn’t accept the NO, or I remember those moments when my NO was ignored? Am I the manipulator or the manipulator? Maybe, it doesn’t really matter which one I’ve been… just that I’m noticing my reaction.
For me, a breakthrough in creating loving relationships means having the courage to be honest. Being honest in a relationship means taking full ownership of your NO’s (and YES’s). And, it is this precise topic that I consider my life to be a master class in relationships. In this master class I have made great strides and have failed miserably.
Maybe, you can relate.
There have been moments in my life when I have owned my NO’s, or rather, I have shoved them down my partner’s throat. In those times I was so clear (strict) about what I would or would not do that perhaps my partner felt ignored. Conversely, there were other times when I was so complacent (invisible) with my personal limits that any NO could quickly become a YES, if I could articulate it at all.
“I have real real low self esteem for sale and am looking to buy unconditional love at prime prices! Is anyone listening? AT GREAT PRICES!!!” Looking back, I can see that my whole life has been a search for balance. Balance in the sense that I allow myself the freedom to say/do what I want AND include my partner as an important part of my life and decision-making process. But more than that, I want to cultivate a relationship where my partner can clearly articulate what they want, and I would immediately create a space for acceptance.
The problem is that sometimes I don’t really know what I want. Sometimes what I want depends on what I “think” my partner wants. Sometimes what I want is influenced by what I “think” would make my partner happy. So in other words, it might not be what I would want, but maybe just because it’s something Michal wants, maybe I should check it out? Or maybe, the truth is, I allow myself to say YES to some things I really don’t want, just so I can say one day, “Remember that thing I really didn’t want to do, and did it anyway? Well, today I’m calling my bookmarks.”
You know the system I mean, don’t you? CSR, or as it is more commonly known: The Relationship Exchange.- The relationship wholesale barter system that we use as a clearinghouse for our relationship credits and debits. This tacit system, with volumes and rates as high as the New York Stock Exchange; It is used every day to exchange relationship products. Looking back on your own life, it might not be hard to imagine yourself as a frenzied CSR trader yelling, “I have real, real, low self-esteem for sale, and I’m looking to buy unconditional love at prime prices! Is anyone listening? AT GREAT PRICES!!!”
If you’ve been a constant reader of my blog, you’ve probably noticed that my usual pattern is to end things pretty neatly. However, this week, I realize I’m not really motivated to find a way to “package” it so nicely and deliver it to you. This week, I want to leave you (and myself with a question). The question is, “What do you want?”
In my work with people, it has been my experience that those four simple words can be extremely intimidating. They are overwhelming. They are relentless. They are insisting And, they leave no doubt as to their intent…
WHAT = hints at the infinite possibility of answers. DO = sets “something” in motion. YOU = puts the focus on YOU and ignores everyone else. WANT = requires the articulation of an impulse, desire or longing. When you think about the question that way, it’s no wonder those words often stop us in our tracks. The implication of the question is that anything YOU desire/want/expect can be set in motion, given the scope of universal natural laws. The implication is that we are infinitely powerful, yet often feel small, insignificant, and victimized. The implication is that, in our relationships, we have stopped relating to each other (and ourselves) and have instead equated relationships as a game of manipulating or being manipulated.
So for now, start opening yourself up to the possibility of a breakthrough in building loving relationships by honestly asking yourself the question. And, when asked the question, stop and see if your automatic responses are honest. See if when you ask someone what they want, you leave room for them to be honest with you. And another thing, sometimes the person we’ve been manipulating all these long years is ourselves!
