Goulston, a psychologist, consultant, author, and frequent television contributor, has written an insightful and sample-filled book that explores many facets of not just listening, but effective communication in general. Subtitled “Discover the secret to reach absolutely everyone“, states the author nine ground rules for communicating with anyone and then provides twelve quick and easy ways to gain acceptance and pass.

As a background, Goulston explains that all persuasion involves making people follow in the footsteps of what he calls the “Persuasion cycle: “

1 of to resist to listening

2. From listening to considering

3. From considering to Willing to do

4. From Willing to do to doing

5. From doing to I am happy to have done it Y continuing to do.

The principle of the book is that cross people by making them “buy,” which happens when they go from “resisting” to “listening” to “considering” what you’re saying. Cast the key to gaining “buy-in” and then getting people through the rest of the cycle is not what you tell them but what you get they say you – and what happens in their minds in the process.

Here I briefly refer to each of Goulston’s nine basic rules and twelve quick techniques:

Nine basic rules

1. Move from “Oh shit to OK” – Stress interferes with your ability to reach people, so control your emotions … quickly. Strive to move from your initial reaction through the release (or realization) phase, through the refocusing phase, the refocusing phase, and finally to the reactivation phase. When you do, you go from being obsessed with how you’re convinced the world should or shouldn’t be, but never will be, to being prepared to deal with the world as it is.
2. Rewire to listen – We tend to evaluate people instantly based on what we have heard about them or experienced first-hand. However, our first impressions and first impressions are a confusing mix of truth, fiction, and prejudice. We end up dealing with a fictional creation, not the real person. If you want to open the lines of communication, first open your own mind to determine who you really are.
3. Make the other person feel “felt” – This simply means putting yourself in the other person’s shoes. When they “catch” each other, they can shift the dynamics of a strained situation or relationship to cooperation, collaboration, and effective communication.
4. Be more interested than interesting – Master the skill of be interested, and being honest when you do, stop thinking of a conversation as a tennis match where the goal is to score more points than your opponent. Instead, consider it a detective game, in which your goal is to learn as much as you can about the other person. Ask questions that show you want to learn more, for example, make them say “I feel x, I think and me made or i would make z. “
5. Make people feel valuable – People need to feel valuable; even (or possibly especially) the complainers, complainers, and obstructing ones. Both the good people in your life and the annoying people both need and deserve to be reassured that they are important. Do it and they will give you what you need. Everyone competes for time, but no one should have to compete for importance.
6. Help people exhale emotionally and mentally – Stress is not bad. It makes us focus, take determination, and test our mettle. It’s when stress turns to afflicted resulting in problems. Although it can be very difficult, allow people to vent and vent as much as they feel is possible, without you interrupting or judging. The saying goes, “Forget about the music. If you want to calm the wild beast, make the beast breathe out.”
7. Check your dissonance at the door – Dissonance occurs when you think you are crossing each other in one way, but people see you in a totally different way. For example, you think you are confident, energetic, and passionate, but others see you as arrogant, hyperactive, and impulsive. It also happens when you think you are accurately perceiving another person, but the other person disagrees. So how can you know how others perceive you? Ask your friends, family, and co-workers.
8. When all seems lost, bare your neck – When you are cornered and feel like showing your teeth, instead, dig deep, feel your fear, face your shortcomings, and tell others that you will do everything you can to reform. As Keith Ferrazzi says, “Don’t be afraid to share your vulnerabilities. Vulnerability doesn’t weaken you, it makes you accessible.”
9. Stay away from toxic people – Remove people who want to rip you off, intimidate you, frustrate you, or make you a scapegoat for their mistakes, from the power to hurt you. Goulston writes that “If you hesitate to say ‘No’, you may be neurotic. If you are really afraid to say ‘No’, you are probably dealing with a toxic person. And if no one ever says ‘No’ to you, that toxic person could be you “.

Twelve quick and easy ways to gain acceptance and move forward

1. The question of impossibility (or “kicking but”): You ask “What is something that would be impossible to do, but if you could do it, it would dramatically increase your success.” Then, after they respond, you ask “What would make it possible?”
2. The magic paradox: When you help explain a person’s reasons for being negative or disagreeing, you change them to a more positive and agreeable attitude.
3. The jolt of empathy: When two people hit each other instead of communicating, or one person is more interested in attacking than listening, insert a jolt of empathy. The author writes that “anger and empathy cannot exist in the same place at the same time,” so be curious and strive to understand the challenges they face.
4. The Reverse Play, Empathy Jolt # 2: Use this if you’re dealing with someone who has the skills and ability to get the job done, but you’re not giving it 100 percent. But instead of criticizing and pointing out where they are falling short, give a few reasons why you could be disappointing they. By doing the unexpected and apologizing, the other person will stop being defensive and will tend to reflect your humility and concern. “An ounce of apology is worth a pound of resentment.”
5. Ask “Do you really believe it?”Before you worry about solving someone else’s problem, find out if there really is a problem.
6. The power of “Hmmm …”: Respond to someone who is angry and defensive with something neutral like “Hmmm” or “Tell me more” or “Really?” or “So what happened?” or “What else can you tell me?” Don’t get defensive; go deeper.
7. The Stipulation Gambit: Instead of hiding a weakness or problem, neutralize it. Show poise by openly expressing people’s misgivings about you, and they will be more likely to give you positive, undivided attention.
8. From transaction to transformation: Transactional communications do not create traction in a relationship because they are impersonal and superficial. Therefore, we must go beyond transactions to relate by asking questions that allow the other person to tell you: “This is what I think”, “This is what I am”, “This is what I want to achieve” or ” This is how you can help improve my life. ” Strive with this “eyes to the sky” technique to get others to search And reflect.
9. Side to side: Ask questions during a shared moment and then deepen the conversation with more questions (forming the core of the Socratic Method). This technique is based on three facts: 1) sitting people down and lecturing them rarely works, because it puts them on the defensive and hides things from you; 2) asking questions works better than saying; and 3) when you allow one revelation to lead to another without getting in the way, you learn even more.
10. Fill in the blanks: Invite people into a conversation with a focus on filling in the blanks rather than asking defensive questions. Direct questions make people think you’re talking to they. Let them fill in the blanks and they’ll feel like you’re talking with they.
11. It goes all the way to “No”: Keep pressing for what you want until you get “no.” Then ask them to go from “no” to “yes” by saying something like, “Either I pushed too hard or I didn’t manage to address something that was important to you, didn’t I?” Then use the blanks or another effective question method to seize the moment.
12. The power thanks and the apology of the powerUse a powerful thank you when an ordinary “thank you” isn’t enough; It has 3 parts: 1) refer to something specific that the person did for you; 2) acknowledge the effort it cost them; and 3) tell them the difference their act personally made for you. While the Apology of Power, when justified, consists of the 4 Rs: Remorse, Restitution, Rehabilitation and Request for forgiveness.

One of the keys to reaching people is being approachable. I’d love to hear from you about this book and any comments you have as you try some of these concepts and techniques.