As I got older (and bigger) I came to one conclusion: fat looks better dark! Therefore, as summer approaches, I get anxious about wearing my shorts (let alone swimsuit!). With all the dangers associated with tanning beds, I decided to try a spray tan. If you’ve never had a spray tan, live vicariously through me and then decide!

Step One: Call ahead to make an appointment. Decide when to go based on when the store is least busy (as if no one knows the tan is fake).

Step Two: The “Tanning Technician” tells me to exfoliate and not to use any lotions or makeup.

Step Three: Decide to shower right before your date. Exfoliate.

Step Four: Get out of the tub.

Step Five: Realize that you have a lot of HAIR (below and around the places to be spray tanned) and get back in the tub.

Step Six: Shave the places you can’t see. He is impressed with my ability to stretch and fold like a pretzel. I wonder if there is enough hair to donate to “Locks of Love”.

Step Seven: I wonder if what my two-year-old just witnessed will mark her for life.

Step Eight: Go sans lotion or makeup to the tanning salon (resist the urge to itch immediately after shaving and feel a new “hairless butt.”)

Step Nine: Act like I’m not uncomfortable as I undress down to my thong. Feel good about the decision to shave (places below).

Step Ten: Put on a silly shower cap.

Step Eleven: Try not to make eye contact with the “spray tan lady” as the actual act of spraying another naked person is quite uncomfortable.

Step Twelve: Clap your hands silently inside while she doesn’t ask me to “bend down” to spray the actual butt crack (white tan line doesn’t bother me!).

Step Thirteen: I wonder if the “Tanning Technician” thinks the stretch marks and veins on my butt are a real map.

Step Fourteen – Pretend you don’t notice that she has to go over your buttocks about 5 times (while all other areas did it once).

Step Fifteen – Pretend it’s not uncomfortable as you pull your legs up to make sure there are no “bikini line” tan lines.

Step Sixteen: Let things dry. Grab the board the minute it dries and dance in the mirror with your shower cap on after the tanning lady leaves the room.

Step Seventeen – Get out of the tanning room and pretend that me and that tanning girl are probably married in some countries (considering the things she’s seen!)

Step Eighteen: Put back all the tanning solutions on the shelves that my two year old has removed.

Step Nineteen: Remove the “palm tree” tan stickers from my daughter’s hair (and other body parts).

Step Twenty: Look in the mirror and think again, “Yes, even fat women look better tanned!”

Step twenty-one: Look fabulous with a spray tan without the risk of the sun!

Step Twenty-Two: Tell everyone about the experience I had and certainly encourage them to go through the same things I had to go through!