When my mother died suddenly, I experienced the first significant death in my life. Immediately, I began to feel deeply grieved, but a week later, like an on / off switch, I was forced to put my grief for my mother on “hold.” After a difficult pregnancy, I gave birth to my first child prematurely. He was born with Down syndrome and had special needs. I felt the loss of a healthy newborn. When my son, Chad, died in 1993 as a result of suicide, I was devastated, shocked, and in denial. However, my husband, Gary, and I were soon sidetracked by the emotional symptoms shown by Chad’s fiancée, Jenny. Worries about possessions, financial obligations, instability, and “why” issues consumed our thoughts. Ten weeks later, Jenny also took her own life. Then, with our secondary losses / problems consuming less of our time, we begin to grieve.
Sometimes the secondary losses that follow the death of an important loved one become so overwhelming and demanding that they take precedence and we are forced to put them first. Secondary losses often demand priority because they affect the way we live our lives now. Our family, friends, and coworkers may misinterpret our reactions as “not grieving properly,” but we are simply worried and have temporarily put our grief aside.
What are secondary losses? A secondary loss is another “crisis” that occurs simultaneously or as a result / reaction to the death of a loved one. Most people experience one or more secondary losses during grief.
Some secondary losses are unavoidable when a loved one dies. Ultimately, we realize that our lives have suddenly changed. Our roles have changed; We are no longer the spouse or the parent. Our financial status can result in a job change, moving to a different home, or living a different lifestyle. Our company is gone. Our plan to grow old together or watch a child grow into adulthood results in the loss of dreams.
Marge held back tears as she described the debacle of her husband’s new business after he died suddenly. He did not know his computer system nor could he interpret his reports on paper. There were many outstanding bills. His life insurance had been used to start his business. He had two young children to raise. He knew he needed to get a job. Her husband’s family was demanding the repayment of the “borrowed money”, but there was no money to repay. She felt angry, frustrated, and totally helpless. Betty was angry that her husband had died suddenly when she thought his health problems were being managed. She was sure she was following her doctor’s instructions. She felt guilty that maybe she (they) missed something and just wanted to know what had gone wrong. She couldn’t understand why God let her husband die.
Peggy felt alone and abandoned. She was a single mother, and since her only daughter died at sixteen in a car accident, she no longer had the role of “mom.” She missed taking her daughter to school activities, shopping, and having lunch. Peggy’s coworkers and friends seemed distant, and her doctor warned her about rising blood pressure and symptoms of diabetes that were getting out of control. Some days I would think, “What’s the use, nobody cares anyway!” Jake’s mother died while he was still living with her. Jake ran his small computer business from home and had no regular income. Now his uncle wanted to sell the house and Jake wasn’t sure how he would survive, where he would live, or how he could run his computer business. He felt insecure and shocked. He had imagined that his mother would always be there for him.
These are true stories of people who have attended our grief groups (names changed to protect privacy). They were facing more than the death of their loved one; they were dealing with associated secondary losses.
Invisible secondary losses
In each of our story examples, individuals also experienced invisible secondary losses. Some losses are invisible to family, friends, and professionals who cannot see our pain or understand the other issues that affect how we grieve. Invisible losses are very emotional problems and can be a personal threat. They can include financial instability, strained family relationships, challenges to our faith, feelings of powerlessness, personal health issues, and a lack of self-confidence and self-esteem. Our anxiety and fear about “now what?” it is very high. And we may not feel comfortable talking about personal matters.
After Chad and Jenny died, I continued to struggle with numerous secondary losses. The biggest of them was knowing that I would never be a grandmother, my loss of dreams. The young men Chad “hung out” with no longer frequented our kitchen or living room. In fact, some of his parents even avoided us. The Army National Guard came to collect Chad’s military equipment, a source of joy and pride for Chad, and I felt like they were “taking away” some of it. I felt ashamed to stand up to the families in our church since Chad died as a result of suicide, considered taboo. I had just accepted a new job and, as I was lacking concentration, I was afraid of failing. In the first months of grief, I was overwhelmed by secondary losses!
No one can dictate how you should cry. No one can take away the reality of your secondary losses. There is no right or wrong way to manage secondary losses, nor is there a formula to make them disappear. They are part of the “mourning work.” I quickly learned that I couldn’t deal with all feelings and emotions at once. To save my sanity and dignity, I tried to prioritize what I could control and what I could handle on any given day.
How to prioritize and manage secondary losses
• Accept that most deaths cause secondary or associated losses. Accept that dealing with secondary losses is just as important as grieving the death of your loved one. Eventually, each will demand attention in your life and will require resolution through grief work.
• Allow yourself to put your pain “on hold” as you deal with immediate emotional feelings and life-changing plans. Secondary losses can slow the healing of your pain, but they don’t have to stop it.
• Identify problems or concerns that have an immediate effect on your life situation. What will change now that your loved one has died? What decisions need to be made within the next thirty to sixty days?
• Think of options and alternatives to your problems, even if they may be short-term. Making important decisions early in a claim may prove reckless later on. Find a good listener who can help you discuss your concerns without offering unwanted advice or making critical statements.
• Create a support system of trusted friends you can trust. This may include clergy, a financial or legal advisor, or a trusted friend or family member. If you feel like you need help solving your emotional problems, you may want to see a professional grief counselor.
• Handle one problem at a time based on priority. It may require explaining your situation to creditors, talking to family, taking “leave” from work, and changing your long-term plans.
• Participate in safe grieving practices as you work through your secondary losses. Take time to honor the life and death of your loved one. Visit the cemetery. Create positive memories and reap a positive attitude. Join a support group and mix with others in similar situations. Taking the time to honor and remember, even to a limited extent, will minimize the guilt you may have for putting your secondary losses first.
I saw Peggy about eighteen months after her daughter’s death. She looked cheerful and color blossomed on her cheeks. He had taken a new job, met another single woman, without children, who also belonged to his gym and who liked to go to the theater and travel. Jake still lives at his mother’s house. His uncle helped him find a way to stay in the house, if only temporarily, until ownership was established.
Marge asked her brother-in-law to help her classify her husband’s business account and gather information that she could lead to an accountant. He sold inventory to pay off some of the business debts. He found a job that is personally rewarding and provides some structure to his shattered life. Betty made an appointment with her husband’s doctor to discuss his medical history and results. At the time of writing, she is still dealing with her resentment over a missed diagnosis. She wants an apology and feels that it will help her move on.
Some secondary losses will resolve naturally over time; others will stay with you throughout your grieving journey and become an integral part of your grieving work. Secondary losses impact our quality of life and deserve our attention. When this happens, put the secondary losses first. Don’t trust others to solve your problems for you. You are accepting how your life has changed. You are finding ways to cope without your loved one. Delayed grief can be reviewed and honored at any time. Allow your feelings to stabilize, and then take time to cry.
Managing secondary losses first can be a time of growth, new beginnings, exploration, and discovery.
