“Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.”
Lao Tse
Whenever I speak in public about pain, I usually start with an old Chinese proverb, one of my favorites: “You can’t stop pain birds from flying overhead, but you can prevent them from nesting in your hair.” There is a lot of wisdom in these words. Pain engulfs us all, and yet we can learn to adapt to the massive changes it brings.
Adjusting to the physical absence of our loved one depends primarily on what we choose to say to ourselves and ultimately what we constantly do. There are numerous responses that have been helpful in adjusting to a large loss based on many individual factors. Here are five that have proven themselves in many ways over the years.
1. Self-expression. Regardless of what some well-meaning people have written, letting go of what’s inside on a regular basis is healthy, both physically and emotionally. This means finding those you trust and sharing what’s going on inside on a given day. Refuse to be a prisoner of your thoughts and the anguish that often accompanies them. Self-expression also includes talking to your Higher Power as many do or even to a loved one in spirit. Bottom line: release the normal buildup of emotions that affect every cell in your body. Write, draw, or paint to allow what’s inside to release even more.
2. Balance sadness with downtime. Possibly the most frequent misunderstanding about the grieving process is that one must continually focus on their sadness. Since your body listens carefully to every thought it generates, the constant focus on the stress of sadness without a waiting time guarantees eventual immune system deficiency. Consequently, the result will be a deterioration of health. Colds, flu, headaches, stomach problems, etc. they are common during grief. There is nothing wrong with taking a break and finding a way to relax. Do whatever temporarily frees you from sadness so your body can recharge. For at least 20 minutes a day, promise to seek a calm and thoughtful frame of mind.
3. Love. Without giving and receiving love every day, you will increase unnecessary suffering and lose the most powerful coping response to adjust to loss. Loving even while grieving will forever strengthen your inner life. It all starts with loving yourself. You are a unique person made in the image of God. Respecting yourself and everything you come into contact with is essential to love well. We all need to be loved, both the mourners and the caregivers. Be aware of how you can develop new ways of showing acceptance and appreciation to others.
Also, focus on how you could express love to the person who is no longer physically present with you. The American playwright Thornton Wilder wrote: “There is a land of the living and a land of the dead, and the bridge is love … the only survival, the only meaning.” Learn all you can about how to love in separation while establishing a new relationship with your deceased loved one. Also, be sure to show love to those who are helping you on your difficult journey. Ask yourself, “What do they need?”
4. Self-esteem. You are the most important resource you have to reach the goal of adjusting to your great loss. Take care of your physical and emotional needs. Too often, mourners tend to increase their consumption of caffeine, alcohol, and junk food that have a direct effect on brain function. The need to protect your physical self, especially brain maintenance, will reduce physical pain and provide energy to adapt to all the new circumstances you will face. Make sure you drink enough spring water daily to prevent unrecognized chronic dehydration. Start the day with 8 oz. A small amount of protein in all three meals will slowly increase blood sugar levels and energy. An omega-3 supplement will help you feel physically. Do your best to abstain from sugar and high fructose corn syrup that negatively affect the brain.
5. Participation. Interacting with other trusted people on a daily basis will generate much-needed hope for the future. Mourners often isolate themselves and, in doing so, prolong intense suffering. The feeling of connection is a powerful coping force. Loving in separation, prayer, and being with people who care about them ensures connection and movement toward inner peace. Decide which organizations or groups you can join, as well as the new interests you can generate to broaden your spectrum of connections. So here’s the key: Schedule connections every day as you learn to adjust to your loved one’s physical absence.
Grief is seductive and can lead us to stray from a path to cope with change. Never forget, start each day with the determination that you will make it through the next 24 hours. Create an affirmation to use to silently strengthen your inner life. Then live the day as your loved one would encourage you to.
