Last night, I received an email from a wife who told me she felt “time was running out.” Her husband had confided that he was considering leaving home in the short term and perhaps leaving the relationship for the long term. This terrified the wife. The relationship had always been somewhat volatile. But, they had always found a way to work things out. They had broken up and gotten back together several times before, but somehow she always knew that they would make up and get back together eventually.

This time things felt different to her and more final. Her husband seemed very determined to leave and move on. The wife wanted my advice on what she could do to get him to change his mind or for her to “stay.” I felt strongly that she needed to stop the cycle of volatile behavior. She wasn’t helping at all. In fact, he was probably just making things worse. I will discuss more about this matter in the following article.

Is there anything you can do to “make it stick”?:It was pretty clear to me that the wife wanted me to tell her some magical secret or give her a perfect letter that was going to drastically and quickly change her husband’s opinion. I have to tell you that if things like this existed, she would have found them and then used them when my own marriage was in real trouble. The truth is that there is no quick fix, but there are permanent and long-lasting solutions, which may take a little longer but will work much better and much more permanently.

There are many things you can do to influence your decision to stay. But I think it’s a big mistake to expect or think that you can control someone or “make” someone do what you want them to do. I took this stance too and it was the biggest mistake I ever made. Men do not like the suggestion that they are not themselves or that they are not in control of their own thoughts and desires. Implying otherwise suggests disrespect, and no one wants to feel that their spouse thinks they know better, can make better decisions, or can control their own thought processes.

So if that’s the route you’re taking, I strongly hope you can reconsider this. If nothing else, try to look at this objectively and assess whether this tactic has actually brought you closer to what you really want. And I’m pretty sure when I say that what you really want is probably a healthy, stable, and growing relationship in which both of you participate equally and fully.

Because what have you really gained by manipulating, blaming, or tricking your husband into staying when deep down he doesn’t want to? Sure, he’s still there physically. But, he’s certainly not there emotionally. And, it’s only a matter of time, probably, when you revisit these issues. As soon as the stress kicks in and starts to affect the relationship (and it almost always does), it’s likely to start all over again. And, next time, you will have to act even more drastically and try much harder to regain control again. This is not the best cycle to be in.

Strategies to convince him that he really wants to stay:It has been my experience that when you are in this opposite cycle, your husband will want to do the exact opposite of what you want him to do. So the more you push him to stay, the more he will want to leave. It’s best not to let your fear of him push you to act in a way that is beneath you. We’ve all begged, threatened, reasoned, and belittled for him to stay. We’ve all heard those very embarrassing phrases that come out of our mouths, and yet we just can’t seem to stop and keep going.

These are the things I didn’t want my reader to do. He wanted her to take the opposite strategy. He wanted her to tell him that maybe he was right. Maybe some time apart would do you two good. You could take some time apart with both of you “giving each other space” without needing to leave. She could visit friends or they could both visit friends or he could leave like she said she was going to.

Of course, the wife did not like these suggestions. They meant that she could not control her husband and watch her every move. She was afraid that once she let him go, even for a while, he would never come back to her. Basically, she was afraid that he would find out that she liked being alone or that she would meet someone else and that would be the end of her relationship.

What many of us fail to see in these situations is that if we don’t make some changes, the relationship is likely to end anyway, either in the future or in the short term. The key to feeling secure in the relationship is knowing that you both really want to be there and you will never have this peace of mind if you know that he really wants to leave but was tricked into staying.

You’d be better off making it clear that you want to save the marriage, but that you also want him to be happy and support his efforts to make it happen. There’s nothing wrong with saying that you too will make the most of the break. He’s probably wondering why you’ve had such an abrupt and dramatic change of heart. This will sometimes help you get their attention. When this happens, you want to make sure that you introduce the woman that you want her to see.

Because you already know the woman he wants to see. You are her at your best, when you laugh and flirt and don’t cling too much or worry too much. You’re the happy lucky person who first caught her eye. Think for a second about how often you see this same person. Because she’s the person you need to see regularly right now. And she is not afraid, nor threatens, nor clings, nor cries. She is in control of herself because she knows that he loves her and that you can work this out. She’s your best shot at making this work. So don’t discount and become who you know you really are not.

Once you’ve got their attention, you’ll eventually need to make some changes in the relationship. But this should not be attempted until you are stable in the relationship once again.