You put her in your Intro to Psychology class your freshman year and you’ve been friends ever since. There was a night at your favorite dive bar when a harmless, platonic kiss on the cheek almost took on a more loving meaning. But you suppressed your sudden attraction, and by doing so, you sealed your fate: “the friend thing.”
Fast forward a few years. Their friendship has turned into a great relationship. She advises you on what to wear on first dates; you give her the bare minimum of what her newest guy *really* wants. The only problem is that that nagging romantic feeling you briefly experienced in that bar in college never really went away, and lately it seems to be getting stronger. Now you find yourself in that classic position that has plagued humanity for centuries: the change from friends to lovers. Like many before you, you’re unsure of each other’s feelings and fear that a stunning confession will ruin your friendship.
From Harry meeting Sally to Joey and Rachel, not to mention all of his own examples from school, work, and chess club, there are countless stories of this historic situation. Bottom line: some work…some crash and burn. But things rarely go back to “the way they used to be.” If you’re willing to take the plunge and reap the potential rewards, read on for a surefire way to properly elevate “just friends” to “in a relationship.”
choose your place
Are you thinking of declaring your love in a public display of affection while drunk? Think again! She’ll shrug it off and torch you on Twitter the moment it happens. Don’t let your friend think your motives are motivated by alcohol or a desperation to have sex that night (or both). Maybe you are planning to get drunk and text him your feelings. You should be ashamed! You two are friends and owe him a direct conversation, complete with awkward eye contact, to express your secret love. Sure, he might bring your heart back on a skewer, but at least you made it count and you can heal yourself with dignity.
So to set the right tone, you need to choose a suitable setting. Have your friend go out somewhere that feels more like a date spot, something a little more intimate than the typical cafe, like a nice restaurant or the pier at sunset. While it’s important to choose something romantic, make sure the two of you still feel comfortable there as “just friends” so your confession isn’t as welcome as a case of lice.
Proceed with caution
When the time is right, maybe after a bite to eat when everyone is feeling a little happier, man up and let your friend know how you feel. Remember not to rush. Be yourself. Be honest. Facilitate the conversation by talking about how long you’ve been friends, how many amazing times you’ve shared, and what you have in common. If you find your friend looking suspicious and nervous, take the hint and politely change the subject. On the other hand, if he/she seems even slightly interested in what you have to say, and hasn’t yet found a sudden excuse to leave, move on to the really soft feelings.
The best offense is a good defense
If the worst happens and your love is unrequited, you can still act quickly to try and save your friendship. We can’t promise anything, but if you put together an “exit strategy” for your friend, you may be able to limit the collateral damage. Towards the end of the conversation, when it’s obvious that you made a terrible error in judgment, change the subject and start talking about how you “expected” this reaction, but felt like you “needed to expose everything” to stop wondering if there was more to it. Talk about how you feel “so relieved” that the two of you are now on the same page and that you “have nothing but respect for our friendship and would never do anything to jeopardize it.” Do your best to end the date as normally as possible, and then make a quick getaway so you can go lick your wounds. It might be a little awkward between the two of you for a while, but I hope your last minute savings work out in the long run and you two can get back to just being friends.
A parting piece of wisdom: please don’t follow the so-called experts who will tell you “just kiss it and see how it goes!!!” Starting a physical relationship out of the blue like this could be perceived as awkward at best and offensive, crossing a line that should never have been touched, at worst. In the end, if the feelings are not mutual, physical advances will completely nullify the defensive advice recommended above. Such an aggressive approach will cause you a lot of heartache if things go wrong, and you are unlikely to be able to save your friendship.
OK, you’ve stalled long enough. It’s time to make plans to meet your friend and share your secret crush.
