"Don’t change a hair on me, not if you care about me" Your extreme Valentine

"Don’t change a hair on me, not if you care about me" Your extreme Valentine

Author’s program note. Guys, it’s time for your annual Valentine’s Day update and reminder. Because, as you may recall, Valentine’s Day (along with your dog Pookie’s birthday) is the most important event of his year. If you do well (or as well as any man can do in this minefield) you will be like Flynn for another year; Your right to safe and secure nookie for another 365 glorious days. But … if you erase it, like you did last year and the year before, another prolonged slump awaits you … and you know very well how tough it will be. To avoid this fate worse than death, extreme measures are required, and these extreme measures must be taken NOW! Men, do I have your full attention? Your Love Doctor is here for you … and my God knows you need him.

The facts.

As we’ve discussed in previous years (and many of you have attended this critical training year after year, with sadly spotty results) Valentine’s Day is a worldwide conspiracy. It first started as the brainchild of a highly paid consultant who took it upon himself to sell a particularly noxious chocolate with a vile, disgusting taste … That didn’t bother the consultant at all; it was the kind of challenge he lived for.

Even the fact that the chocolatier couldn’t pay him even a token amount up front didn’t bother our intrepid advisor one iota. He still signed a contract that said he would receive 25% of the gross income from all new businesses spurred on by his best ideas. In other words, he (in the best tradition of the macho consultant) would give up a certain payment (albeit a lower one) in exchange for a huge part of the gross … and as long as he could move the disgusting chocolate that everyone detested … It would be a great winner.

Frankly, the folks at the chocolate company (who also loathed their product and banned it from the company’s candy machine) thought they had made the perfect deal. After all, they got the consultant to work for them for free … and they gave away income that didn’t exist, probably never would. But before claiming a big write-off and throwing offensive crashes in the trash, they needed, his accountant said, to give him a good shot at college.

His name was Valentine …

Now our audacious consultant got down to business and, being a very smart guy, ideas flowed fast and furious. Therefore, after only a few days, the consultant was ready to see the CEO and present the most important concept. As it turned out, this was not only this important meeting for the chocolate company; it was a crucial turning point in all men’s relationships with their women … thereby launching a movement that generated millions of jobs and huge corporate profits around the world.

The consultant was named Valentinos Kariotes … known as Val … and he is the man who set the high standards for Valentine’s Day …

Yes, it is because of this single man and his perception that the marital rights and ecstasy of millions of hapless men are put at risk every year, to assert themselves by shelling out chocolate, increasingly enriching the corporate smarties this baby dreamed of.

To business.

Val, a guy who speaks directly, no nonsense, “let’s get on with business” got straight to the point. To sell the shocks that everyone recognized as disgusting, they would have to have a bigger idea, something huge, smart, bigger than life … here Val paused … because he knew that his next words would not only sell chocolates that no one could sell. Comply, but have millions of men line up in front of the company’s crowded stores to spend a lot of money on a product they despise.

Before declaring what would become his enduring claim to fame, Val paused, looked around the room, to better get his attention and keep the memory of this supreme evergreen moment in his mind. Then he said

“To sell chocolates, you have to have women tell men that the purchase of these chocolates and the size of the box will be interpreted by all the girls in the world as an indication of how ardently they are wanted, loved, and desired the goal. of their advertising campaign it would not be the men who would actually buy the chocolates … but the women who would ‘motivate’ them to do so, in ALL the ways they can. Yes, in ALL the ways. “

Then Val released his first ad, a classic that will soon be destined for the Advertising Hall of Fame. It was like this:

“The size of the box,” he said, “indicates how much he loves you.”

The image showed two boxes of chocolate. The five pound box had a big black X running through it. The 20 pound box was surrounded by a bright red heart with an exclamation point.

Simply amazing!

Val’s incredible idea finally gave women what they have always wanted, for thousands of years: a way to know, measure, and even weigh how much their men REALLY love them; the proof of being as easy to acquire as the simple purchase of chocolates.

“Brilliant” was the least of it.

In the life of each one of us, only a handful of moments of transcendence come, moments of destiny, moments in which you feel immensely happy to be alive. Our man Val knew that moment this day … and when the astonished executives surrounded him with their most fervent congratulations, they knew it too. And he immediately increased the size of the box and the weight of his disgusting product … because they knew immediately that Val, his son, was a genius. And so he voted unanimously to create a day named after him, Valentine’s Day, a day worth billions to love capitalists around the world. It was the least they could do. And so Val became immensely rich.

Every time a woman received a two-pound box of shocks from her lover, she knew the donor was dead meat, a cheap, two-stroke junk … that she had to go out and immediately find the 20-pound box. thus passing the test of love … and making Val richer and richer still. Eureka!

Of course, other companies watched this phenomenon, this cornucopia of riches with the closest conceivable attention; Val made sure they did, because in due course, he made good deals with florists, pastry companies, every diamond supplier in the country … always with the same amazing results.

That is why you will live today like a cat on a hot tin roof, spending good money, you do not have to appease the little woman who controls your life. Make sure you also sing “My Funny Valentine” the right way, the feminist way, with the words about you, not about her, because women have always hated this tune and its crazy feeling.

Therefore, “my appearance is ridiculous, impossible to photograph …” because that is what she wants you to say, right after you have looked at the size of the box.

(You will find the inimitable “My Funny Valentine”, released in 1940, in any search engine; music by Richard Rodgers, lyrics by Lorenz Hart. I prefer the original version, and the original words, by Frank Sinatra).

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